We seem to delight in entertaining the fortuitous folly that we are the sage and sovereign rulers of our will. That we, as humans, can choose some random and seemingly insurmountable obstacle, to pit oneself against, and by sheer shit dogged tenacity, we can kick whatever goals we wish.
Attempting to kick goals. The classic Dance Me Outside 12a
We love to indulge in our society’s classic myth; that any self starter with bucket load of personal drive and a little bit of luck, can and will, achieve any ambition they set themselves to. This obviously ignores reality, the truth that the world is fraught with systemic social and genomic norms of inequality. It sucks, but it is reality.
Poet William Henley famously wrote “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” Despite this, he had TB and was periodically losing legs, and more to my point, went on to inspire the classic, Treasure Island character Long John Silver, thus leaving the indelible mark of being the only Victorian Poet to further America’s long lasting love affair with fast food fish and chips. Fact. I shit you not, look it up. Amazing, I know. The take home lesson here is thus; fate does as it pleases, we don’t master it. However, sure as shit, we humans have a wonderfully admirable trait; that we can and will, trick ourselves into thinking we have control. For that matter, we can trick ourselves into just about anything. Magic sky friend comes to mind.
Along those lines, we surely will find that “self motivation,” is a merely marvellously clever ruse we lay upon ourselves, and consequently we can frame “it” any way we want. However, if we drop kick the beast of self motivation, and tackle it straight, we can devise certain dubious wisdom.
Fred cruising the perfect ice in Kicking Horse Canyon
How do I up my self motivation game and kick all my life/mountain related goals, you ask?
I propose, the factual and fundamentally Darwinian based motivations of “Fricks, Chicks, and Pics”,
High Fricks… Short hand for the devious, but ever pursued “Friction.” It represents what perfection. All the objective obstacles are removed. It’s climbing in autumn’s cold crisp dry weather. Friction is all time, it’s hard to fall off them sloppy crimps. We’re talking green light, zero humidity, we are talking all time. Conditions are perfect, beyond perfect.
White out in Hidden Bowl… Well, Shit. Motivation Low.
High Viz and untouched in Hidden Bowl… Perfect. Motivation High
This is the shit of legends, like skiing blue bird days of fresh soft plush powder, avi danger zero, and the soft stunning light that comes near the end of long days. In real life, it’s easy to quit trying and let the motivation die. All you need is a day of the drizzly misery which nature is more than happy to provide. Nevertheless, there will inevitably come the rare rapturous day when everything is perfect. You find yourself in an position to freely pursue whatever purpose you’ve chosen.
Grassi lakes steep Holy Shit 11c
At this point, when nature, for once, seems to be on your side, and everything comes together, and you find yourself unable to slay dragons. Well then… then you are, straight up, shit out of luck. You are doomed to a life of goals unkicked.
Training session with the Skull of Destiny!
2) Chicks… Or, to avoid gender exclusivity, any attractive member of the opposite sex.
Nothing promotes “trying hard”, like attempting to show your physical prowess to the other gender. Anyone who’s been to a climbing gym can attest to this effect, I think we’ve all seen some pretty intense levels of effort put on to impress others (whether it’s an effective method with which to impress, remains highly debated). Personally, as a seasoned self motivator, when I climb I generally endeavour to surround myself with a pack of naughty she-huskies (actually in all moments of my life). Try it, we’ve got millions of years of evolution backing this system, you won’t regret it. Goals will be kicked.
Kieran impressing the ladies
3) Pics… Nothing ruins a photo shoot like getting stuck at the first bolt.
The goal of any modern sports enthusiast is to take the most intense moments of our lives, and interrupt them to capture our latest profile picture. Truly, no nobler goal exists. Now you can’t have profile photos that contain the climbing of grades well within your ability.
Everyone knows, to impress the internet, there’s nothing wrong with a little misleading deciption. It’s all about displaying photos that may or may not reflect your actual ability, but reflect you in a favourable light… and to be honest, first bolt photos just won’t cut it. So you’ll need to tap into that herculean effort and hit that third bolt, and with that, hit high societal gaols, and acquire that perfect profile pic.
Cameras out. Time to crank out some pull ups!
So there it is, all you need to kick your climbing up a notch. Follow my lead, harness your inner narcissism, and embrace motivation by tapping into Frics, Chicks and Pixs. The time is now, get off your butt. Surround yourself with beautiful people, pack your camera, head out in in perfect weather and kick some goals.
Big lou performing for the Chicks and Pics!
Also, this is what happens when you roll a truck down a mountain until something stops it. Take home message, you can’t kick goals if your dead. So drive Safe!
Ice climbers will like this. His inbox is still up at work in Prince George. What a legend.